Mettwurst Recipe

servers 125 centimetres a week, 65 metres a year and 5 kilometres a lifetime


  • offal (bits of lung, scraps of liver, blood, brain fat)
  • discarded meat
  • spices (garlic, coriander, all spice)
  • fibre/binding agent/egg
  • intestines for casing and digestion
  • a white layer of mould
  • microorganisms (lactic bacteria for acidity and staphylococcus bacteria for flavor)
  • equipment

Step 1
mince and cut the offal and discarded meat – the shit

Step 2
Artificial Predigestion: add the spices, mix and knead by hand to ensure even distribution.

Step 3
remove water, to keep firm particles have to stick together, add the fibre or binding agent of your choice or mix in an egg
done right a good solid turd should have the consistency of 20% dry matter, to increase productivity water it down to 10% and your shit output will be in the bouillons!

Step 4
Stuffing: stuff the filling into the intestines, the ultimate pig in sheep’s clothing, if the filling turns out well you can turn it into any shape, but the best shape is worm shape
what kind of sausage is it?
is it too hard?
is it too soft?
or as goldie locks would say is it just right??
if the sausage filling is too thick you won’t be able to stuff it into its casing
too dry filling crumbles like sand
cohesion determines its length, the softer the shit, the shorter the turd
diarrhea results in a bowl full of sludge or a pile of pellets

Step 5
Ripening: add the bacteria and mould and your sausage is set

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